Why I went into a self-imposed exile

Photo from Pixabay

2019 was a year of crossroads. It was a year where I had finally decided to fix certain aspects of my life that was a result of a three-year “experiment”.

In its short version, since 2016 I’ve been trying to build my own “company”, to be an “entrepreneur” — a word I had cherished — until I realized that it won’t happen unless changes are made.

I already knew what these issues were, but I unwittingly ignored it and masked it with the “glorious” temptations of pride and ego.

By the time I thought I was pushing everything in the right direction, I realized it wasn’t.

In September of 2019, after my 21st birthday, I decided to take the time and figure out what exactly was I headed to, what exactly am I.

It was a very gritty realization, as despite my so-called “success stories” has spun and gave my ego an inflated balloon, I ended up seeing the mistakes and the “problems” that I kept having — and kept on ignoring.

These mistakes are pretty common, most of what you’d hear from an ambitious individual. Ego, Pride, lack of empathy, and so on.

And I was no exception to that long list of victims that has been engulfed by this toxic mindset of being “an entrepreneur”. Oh, how I resent that word now.

While I’m not about to cover the entirety of my story and the main realizations, I am eager to share the story of what came after.

My “exile”.

In September of 2019, I realized several wrong pieces of myself that I had ignored for the most part of my so-far journey.

I was mentally unstable.

Already having ADHD, I never bothered to have a better look at it on how it was affecting my general mental state. And while I still believe and see that it is mostly beneficial, it didn’t come as easy as it is today.

I was very active and eager in jumping onto several “ventures”. Prominently, trying to “lead” people onto something that I had in all sincerity, “believed in”.

This came with the consequence of being involved with several groups of people, and failing their expectations as I mash all those groups with different ventures and ideas onto a single pile of mess.

I kept repeating this process for the most part. I don’t know why I did, but I just did it.

In a span of three years, I “managed” to “create” multiple ventures and ideas — whereas all of it failed.

And it kept on failing because I was never really giving it as much attention as I should have. Something I only realized when it was years late.

Moving on, this repetitive process of constantly trying to create something and collaborate with someone had took a toll on me.

It was like a drug.

The dopamine hits you get when you meet like-minded individuals. The thrill of planning and executing your idea.

It was amazing.

But I knew this charade of myself had to end. I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. I’ve only accumulated losses where even I question to myself “how did I get the money for it in the first place?”.

During this night in September of 2019, I made a list.

I made a thorough realization of what is exactly happening in everything that I’ve placed myself into. A “list” of sorts explaining my own interpretations of my own issues.

And from there, I came onto several conclusions.

The most important of which is,

“I need to build my foundation”.

Self-control, self-awareness, all of those things are important.

But I see it as more of a journey as I am still developing myself. Despite my very hectic failed past-affiliations, I’ve always acknowledged it as more of an experiment.

However, the biggest drawback was the lack of foundation I had for myself.

I didn’t know what I really want. I didn’t have the “resources” that I need in order to pursue things.

I then set forth onto this journey, as I cut ties with several of my friends, deactivated my social media accounts, and went dead silent.

In the midst of my self-imposed exile, I only had one objective.

Build myself.

I spent the part of my time figuring out the mistakes I’ve had for each “venture” that has failed. I spent the majority of time stabilizing my source of income and skills.

Two months later, in November 2019, I contacted a friend of mine and pitched in this idea.

This “final” idea is my last attempt to try and build something, and if I fail, I’ll take a break from this path I’m in for the meantime.

We discussed as I gave him the blueprints on which will eventually became our company, Apeiria Digital.

Since its conception last year, Apeiria has been the most stable and most developed business I’ve had, despite the on-going issues with the pandemic.

A question I’ve been asking myself recently is, “should I resurface?”.

Until now I still don’t have a concrete answer.

I sincerely enjoy being quiet, being under the radar. A lot less drama is in my life, and I get to see who exactly are my friends and the people I trust in these scenarios.

As 2021 draws near, I’m eager to have “fixed” as much as I can the issues that has plagued me. Yet, there are still some that I’m still fixing along the way.

Would I recommend anyone else to do this?

It depends.

I heavily believe of the benefits taking a break from social media can do for you. But I believe it varies on the situation we all have.

I was constantly failing and repeating my mistakes as a result of being ignorant on my own behavior.

But regardless, trying it out even for just 3 months may do wonders.

I may discuss more of what it exactly was like being in isolation for a year feels like in a later story.

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Entries from a guy that’s formerly ‘obsessed with success’.

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petedeyto

petedeyto

Entries from a guy that’s formerly ‘obsessed with success’.

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