I’ve been all over places

Four years ago, I decided to embark on a journey filled with fascinating risks and experiences. I couldn’t comprehend how much I’ve learned, how it sent me from a state of fascination, ambition, and confusion, to this path of certainty and stability (at least for now).

During my freshman year in college, I experienced what it’s like to be truly “free” (at least from someone who came from a small high school).

It was fascinating — the freedom of college, the numerous paths you can take, the people you meet — all of which motivated me in pursuing as many experiences that I can. It was truly exciting.

In 2016, I first experienced what it was like to be “part of something good”, or at least that’s what I believed in. I joined various tech blogs, joined tech communities, and even went on starting my first “business” idea.

While I’m not here to emphasize what happened on each “chapter”, I do believe that the biggest “pro and con” towards my personal development and the foundation of my own current goals, is that I was “all over the place”.

This might even be you. A young adult trying out “everything”, a college student engaging in several activities, or simply anyone that keeps “trying out things” due to the excitement it brings and how satisfying it is to our curiosity.

Regardless, we all know that sweet feeling of “first experiences”, and its aftermath.

In my case, however, I went overboard with this mindset.

It was like a drug.

Start, fail. Start, fail. Repeat. Repeat and repeat.

Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.

During those four years, I was working at a very young VR startup, and was assisting our non-profit tech community. These two were the main highlights back then.

However, for some reason that I now can’t understand, was that I decided to “pursue” various businesses in different fields, altogether.

Food, logistics, digital design, software development, music, and even VR! I once tried to do my own startup in VR despite already working in one.

It starts with an idea.

After some thought, I message like-minded individuals, discuss the details, draw up a plan, discuss workload.

Then execute. At least, for the first month or two.

Afterwards, once we’ve left the starting phase where we have the website and all the soc med collateral, “operations” would only last for a few short months.

Then, we would break apart. I vaguely remember all these moments in those past four years.

Looking back, I find myself fascinated that I can’t really understand nor even properly remember, “Why”.

Why did I do those? Why did I keep on doing such things? Why did I keep trying to “build” something despite failing over and over again?

And the bigger question is…

Why did all of those failed?

Eventually, I realize that it all failed because I never really gave any of it my 100%.

Truth be told, I didn’t even know what my 100% is back then.

It’s as if I simply wanted to experience what it was like, despite that experience being very short and one-handed.

Perhaps it’s immaturity. Perhaps it’s related to the saying “You only know what you want if you try it”. Perhaps it’s simply me being an ambitiously stupid 16 year old.

Regardless, despite all those attempts and failures, I sincerely believe my “core self” is the same, but in a good way.

I can still remember my mindset back then — be a good person, make an impact, build a business — and it’s still the same now. It’s only just clearer and I know by heart what I should be doing next.

Each of those attempts meant individual unique experiences, however. And all of it meant that I had to go through people, acquire new friends and allies, make enemies, meet several acquaintances, and develop my maturity along the way.

Even now I look back and think about those moments… while it was very painful losing a lot of friends, going against family, and losing reputation, it all helped me shape what I “really” want to achieve in life.

Since then, I’ve only focused on two major fields. I decided to cut off all external influences and be a hermit to truly grasp how everything is. It’s almost a year (10 months in).

And from there, I realized.

The small bits and pieces that I had done and experienced, it’s there to help me build this correct path for my goals. All towards what I really want to achieve in life.

Over the past year, I doubled down effort to explore and learn new skills. I spent time understanding what I really want to “build”, and patiently work myself with tunnel vision towards my new concrete goals.

And, how has that been so far?

Well, I promise that it will be seen soon.

Unlike before where I enjoyed sharing and posting my “mini-successes” in social media, now I intend on letting what I’m building to make noise.

I sometimes think that perhaps I might be in a similar situation as before, where I’ll repeat the same mistakes and it just repeats in an endless cycle.

But I doubt that as I’m more self-aware now. I know it because of the time I took trying to understand what I’ve experienced before, and the determination on how I don’t want to make similar mistakes again.

And never have I ever had a clearer goal that I have now.

Again, I sometimes think it’s immaturity, or it’s because I started young without mentors to guide me.

Or perhaps it is as the saying goes “you learn as you go”, or “the best teacher in life is experience”.

Nevertheless, I am grateful and excited to embark on this new chapter of my life. All of it wouldn’t have been possible without going through my troubling start.

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